I would like to believe that as we age we become stronger, more experienced and better able to articulate what we want or need, that we're better equipped to know when we need to take and when we can give. It's a nice fiction. In many ways we give in or give up, setting aside just those things we want or need in the name of expediency or simplicity. Sometimes it's not worth the energy or effort or repeating the same old routine. After all, the devil you know....
So I often wonder- if you pretend or imagine something long enough, does it become true? Obviously you can't imagine a physical object and have it appear or disappear. But what about things that are only real within your head. Can you force yourself to be different just by pretending? If you pretend to be happy do you actually become happy? If you pretend you don't want something do you really stop wanting it? It seems like a fool's errand and yet there's a lot to be said for the placebo effect.
Pretending can't make things exist anymore than believing in unicorns makes them flesh-and-blood animals. (That's an odd saying...leaves out important things like bones.) But maybe it works for something that isn't "real" in the sense that it is transient and intrinsic, something no one else can touch or see like happiness, sadness, erotic desire, or pride. Maybe. But at what point does pretending turn to giving up? Maybe that's the secret...the point where you give up is the same as the point where it no longer matters whether you're pretending or it's real. Too bad I have a real hard time quitting or letting go.
Monday, July 13, 2015
Saturday, June 27, 2015
A stereotypical argument
In my teens and twenties I watched a lot of stand up comedy. In particular comedic approaches to sex fascinated me. It wasn't the physicality or the teenage titters but the way all comedians, men and women, discussed the interaction between men and women about the topic. There were common themes and observations which, at that point, I didn't have the experience to understand.
Male comedians found humor in sexual quantity, lack of interest from their partner, differences between dating and married sex lives, and of course the...cruder...aspects of the physical act. Female comedians found the humor in their partners' sexual appetite, the ways in which they showed interest, their partner's lack of ability to make them orgasm, or their partner's "oral fixation." The topics were consistent enough for me to think there was something to it, not just a silly story for the sake of laughs.
After many more years and hundreds of conversations amongst friends, family, and colleagues I think I finally have an inkling of the source of these differences. Obviously I can only speak from my own experience and my own interpretation of what others bring to the table. And I only approach this from the viewpoint of being with someone for a long time, not from the "we just started dating" perspective where things are simply different and rarely represent anything close to reality. Also, let's just ignore the "bros," those guys that can't think about anything beyond their dick, don't know how to show respect to anyone much less a woman, and don't actually represent the majority of men.
Men view sex as both a means and an end within itself. It's a catharsis, a release of pent up energy or frustration. In many ways it's a reset button. It's a connection and a visceral experience. When it's done you feel closer, protective, like a bond has been renewed. Sure, there are times when the emotional or psychological aspect is less prevalent, but even then the act helps to retain that invisible connection to someone else. It's also just plain fun. Why not skip doing laundry, mowing the lawn, or some work report that no one will read anyway?
In contrast, women often seem to view sex as a chore, another item that "needs done" but isn't necessarily a means or end in itself. Sex doesn't play the same role or get the same priority. It becomes something to maybe do when everything else is done, not something to do for the sake of itself. Example- men have a bad day and sex makes it better, men don't feel well and sex makes it better, or men have a stressful day and sex makes it better. It doesn't seem to work that way for women. It's not that they don't enjoy the act (a ridiculous implication that still lives on because people are dumb) and sex serves many of the same functions (energy release, emotional connection, etc). And yet there is still a vast, wordless gulf between the sexes that no one has been able to enunciate.
In many ways these differences are not surprising. Aside from the too-often-abhorrently misapplied consideration of biological, physiological, and psychological differences inherent in the sexes, women carry a significant burden of society and tradition- children, home care, and for the past 50 years the added stress of needing to work to support the family. At the same time, it is very strange. Both men and women work hard, experience stress and frustration, and need a release for that energy. Both sexes need to remain emotionally and physically connected to maintain a relationship.
Most couples have some version of an argument revolving around the phrase "we can do it or enjoy it more when (insert any of a thousand things here) happens." But as far as I can tell, they spend their lives saying this and never actually get to the part about doing or enjoying. Instead, they end up chasing the dragon. That's life- there's always something else that needs done, something else that needs attention, or something else to stress us out. To wait until some ideal time seems to be the common compromise, yet I don't see it making very many couples happy.
Ultimately, I don't know if there is or can be a solution. We all want and expect different things. Plus, such a personal act as the giving of yourself comes with its own attendant baggage (body issues, fears, and all the myriad things that prevent you from just enjoying the act for the sake of enjoyment). It's like a tornado on top of a volcano during an earthquake- you're fucked (haha...yeah) no matter what you do.
After all these centuries the biggest thing that seems to change is that women (at least in many groups) have much more power and choice over their own sex lives. But the same old stereotypes play out. There are biological, sociological, psychological, and a whole myriad of other -ogical reasons why sex remains a source of tension amongst people. No couple is immune. And that's what makes it such a fascinating and profoundly frustrating problem.
Male comedians found humor in sexual quantity, lack of interest from their partner, differences between dating and married sex lives, and of course the...cruder...aspects of the physical act. Female comedians found the humor in their partners' sexual appetite, the ways in which they showed interest, their partner's lack of ability to make them orgasm, or their partner's "oral fixation." The topics were consistent enough for me to think there was something to it, not just a silly story for the sake of laughs.
After many more years and hundreds of conversations amongst friends, family, and colleagues I think I finally have an inkling of the source of these differences. Obviously I can only speak from my own experience and my own interpretation of what others bring to the table. And I only approach this from the viewpoint of being with someone for a long time, not from the "we just started dating" perspective where things are simply different and rarely represent anything close to reality. Also, let's just ignore the "bros," those guys that can't think about anything beyond their dick, don't know how to show respect to anyone much less a woman, and don't actually represent the majority of men.
Men view sex as both a means and an end within itself. It's a catharsis, a release of pent up energy or frustration. In many ways it's a reset button. It's a connection and a visceral experience. When it's done you feel closer, protective, like a bond has been renewed. Sure, there are times when the emotional or psychological aspect is less prevalent, but even then the act helps to retain that invisible connection to someone else. It's also just plain fun. Why not skip doing laundry, mowing the lawn, or some work report that no one will read anyway?
In contrast, women often seem to view sex as a chore, another item that "needs done" but isn't necessarily a means or end in itself. Sex doesn't play the same role or get the same priority. It becomes something to maybe do when everything else is done, not something to do for the sake of itself. Example- men have a bad day and sex makes it better, men don't feel well and sex makes it better, or men have a stressful day and sex makes it better. It doesn't seem to work that way for women. It's not that they don't enjoy the act (a ridiculous implication that still lives on because people are dumb) and sex serves many of the same functions (energy release, emotional connection, etc). And yet there is still a vast, wordless gulf between the sexes that no one has been able to enunciate.
In many ways these differences are not surprising. Aside from the too-often-abhorrently misapplied consideration of biological, physiological, and psychological differences inherent in the sexes, women carry a significant burden of society and tradition- children, home care, and for the past 50 years the added stress of needing to work to support the family. At the same time, it is very strange. Both men and women work hard, experience stress and frustration, and need a release for that energy. Both sexes need to remain emotionally and physically connected to maintain a relationship.
Most couples have some version of an argument revolving around the phrase "we can do it or enjoy it more when (insert any of a thousand things here) happens." But as far as I can tell, they spend their lives saying this and never actually get to the part about doing or enjoying. Instead, they end up chasing the dragon. That's life- there's always something else that needs done, something else that needs attention, or something else to stress us out. To wait until some ideal time seems to be the common compromise, yet I don't see it making very many couples happy.
Ultimately, I don't know if there is or can be a solution. We all want and expect different things. Plus, such a personal act as the giving of yourself comes with its own attendant baggage (body issues, fears, and all the myriad things that prevent you from just enjoying the act for the sake of enjoyment). It's like a tornado on top of a volcano during an earthquake- you're fucked (haha...yeah) no matter what you do.
After all these centuries the biggest thing that seems to change is that women (at least in many groups) have much more power and choice over their own sex lives. But the same old stereotypes play out. There are biological, sociological, psychological, and a whole myriad of other -ogical reasons why sex remains a source of tension amongst people. No couple is immune. And that's what makes it such a fascinating and profoundly frustrating problem.
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