Friday, December 28, 2007
Hiatus
Packing up the truck tomorrow and heading out Sunday. Gonna miss the Pat-Giant game. Lame. Super lame. I'll get back to updating the blog, making fun of ridiculous shit, and generally ranting about the state of the world when I get set up in Washington. Keep your noses clean.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
You offend me....you know who you are
This Christmas season, we've got more of the usual bullshit going down. Apparently we still can't refer to it as Christmas. And if you refer to Chanukah, you get the shit beat out of you by a bunch of ignorant bastards. This year we have a winner of the 'dumb shit someone thought would be a good idea at Christmas' award. I guess Santa can no longer say 'Ho Ho Ho', as it's offensive to people with vaginas. If you believe this then you are no longer allowed to refer to stupid people as 'boobs', you cannot refer to cats as 'pussy cats', you can't be in the navy and lift an anchor since they chant 'heave ho', and you can't 'hoe' your garden. A big fuck you to all those people that decided to be even bigger dicks this year and started fucking with Santa. I hope your Christmas trees all burn down.
And don't think I've forgotten the hardcore Christmas crowd, most notably christians palpably ignorant of the history of their own institutions. You guys win the "most holidays stolen from other cultures and transmuted to conform to our view" award. For starters, Christmas is not originally celebratory of Jesus, since the general gift giving and celebration routine during the winter was done for centuries. For the Romans, this period was a week long festival that consisted of men giving other men gifts and having gay orgies at the bath house. "Christmas" (the word) didn't even exist until the 11th century, a full millennium after the death of Jesus. It was originally a celebration of the winter months that gave thanks for the year and the cessation of agricultural work. The Christians simply rode in and set up their own winter festival to entice the 'pagans' away from their festivals. So stop pretending Christmas is all about Jesus. If you don't know the history of your own creation, then you don't truly know what Christmas is all about.
In fact, let's be honest and call it 'Profitmas' since the key components for the past 300 years have moved further from the religious aspects and more toward the economic and gift aspects. If you celebrate Jesus's b-day, then good for you. I've got no problem with that (assuming that you know Dec. 25 was not, in fact, his real birthday). But I think your celebration should involve doing Christian things - donating time to a soup kitchen or to help the less fortunate, enjoying a meal with family, and actively engaging yourself in making the world a better place with your time and money (not by converting people). If instead you go to one church service and then revel in the secular gift giving and economically driven portion of the holiday, you are not actively engaged in the religious aspect and shouldn't act like you are. It's supremely hypocritical to say you are celebrating Jesus while being involved in a lot of spurious spending and conspicuous consumption that he would not approve of. I may not be a god-fearing church goer, but I know enough about the bible to know that most church-goers aren't really understanding what they are reading. You can interpret it however you want, but at the end of the day it's a book about just being a good human being.
And don't think I've forgotten the hardcore Christmas crowd, most notably christians palpably ignorant of the history of their own institutions. You guys win the "most holidays stolen from other cultures and transmuted to conform to our view" award. For starters, Christmas is not originally celebratory of Jesus, since the general gift giving and celebration routine during the winter was done for centuries. For the Romans, this period was a week long festival that consisted of men giving other men gifts and having gay orgies at the bath house. "Christmas" (the word) didn't even exist until the 11th century, a full millennium after the death of Jesus. It was originally a celebration of the winter months that gave thanks for the year and the cessation of agricultural work. The Christians simply rode in and set up their own winter festival to entice the 'pagans' away from their festivals. So stop pretending Christmas is all about Jesus. If you don't know the history of your own creation, then you don't truly know what Christmas is all about.
In fact, let's be honest and call it 'Profitmas' since the key components for the past 300 years have moved further from the religious aspects and more toward the economic and gift aspects. If you celebrate Jesus's b-day, then good for you. I've got no problem with that (assuming that you know Dec. 25 was not, in fact, his real birthday). But I think your celebration should involve doing Christian things - donating time to a soup kitchen or to help the less fortunate, enjoying a meal with family, and actively engaging yourself in making the world a better place with your time and money (not by converting people). If instead you go to one church service and then revel in the secular gift giving and economically driven portion of the holiday, you are not actively engaged in the religious aspect and shouldn't act like you are. It's supremely hypocritical to say you are celebrating Jesus while being involved in a lot of spurious spending and conspicuous consumption that he would not approve of. I may not be a god-fearing church goer, but I know enough about the bible to know that most church-goers aren't really understanding what they are reading. You can interpret it however you want, but at the end of the day it's a book about just being a good human being.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Like a straight guy in a figure skating competition
I just went to a dork fest in San Francisco. Every year, 15,000 scientists descend on San Fran to discuss the latest and greatest in Earth science. Every year I have to sit through 50,000 discussions on why global warming is important and how scientists are failing to relay that importance to the public. And nothing gets done so that next year they have something to talk about. So this year instead of hanging out with people who can't even stop discussing science over dinner, I thought I'd look around the city. It's decent enough. To me, it's mostly just another place with too many people, too much money for some of them, and too little for others. Plus, downtown smells like a damn sewer. They might want to work on that. Aside from the smell and the more aggressive homeless, it's not bad for a city. Definitely better than LA.
I saw a bonafide, genuine, right out of The Boondocks pimp. Slick pimp suit and everything. Frickin' awesome. That same night, I saw two kids lightin' up their crack pipes on the steps of the judicial building. Also awesome. One block up from my hotel, the erotic cake store. One block down, the leather bondage store. Directly across the street, the gay bar Stud. I love walking down the street and seeing people just doing what they do...smoking crack, eating erotic cake, and then tying themselves to a stove while their current beau beats them with leather crops and plastic penises. Makes you glad there's a place where you can get all of those things without having to get in your car.
Don't stay at the Best Western Civic Motor Inn. The amenities were there, the breakfast wasn't half bad, and the beds were comfortable. But there was a razor blade hidden in my clock. In my clock! At 2:30 AM, some crazy dude decided to inform the hotel guests that we should leave because this was his neighborhood and he didn't like us. That went on for 20 minutes while the "security" didn't do shit. On top of that, the walls are paper thin and apparently the people next door felt the need to very loudly discuss their current drug situation. Don't get me wrong. I'm all for people using drugs recreationally. But 3:45 in the morning is not the time. And if you're gonna do it, make sure you have enough to last you until morning.
I saw a bonafide, genuine, right out of The Boondocks pimp. Slick pimp suit and everything. Frickin' awesome. That same night, I saw two kids lightin' up their crack pipes on the steps of the judicial building. Also awesome. One block up from my hotel, the erotic cake store. One block down, the leather bondage store. Directly across the street, the gay bar Stud. I love walking down the street and seeing people just doing what they do...smoking crack, eating erotic cake, and then tying themselves to a stove while their current beau beats them with leather crops and plastic penises. Makes you glad there's a place where you can get all of those things without having to get in your car.
Don't stay at the Best Western Civic Motor Inn. The amenities were there, the breakfast wasn't half bad, and the beds were comfortable. But there was a razor blade hidden in my clock. In my clock! At 2:30 AM, some crazy dude decided to inform the hotel guests that we should leave because this was his neighborhood and he didn't like us. That went on for 20 minutes while the "security" didn't do shit. On top of that, the walls are paper thin and apparently the people next door felt the need to very loudly discuss their current drug situation. Don't get me wrong. I'm all for people using drugs recreationally. But 3:45 in the morning is not the time. And if you're gonna do it, make sure you have enough to last you until morning.
Friday, December 7, 2007
For the ladies
I'm tired of the bullshit. I stand in line at the grocery store and I'm surrounded by magazines giving women advice on men from other women. Are you kidding me? Men should be the ones giving the advice. Who knows what men want better than men? Apparently a woman whose sole source of information is her girlfriends and the club she hit up when she was 16. I know not all men are the same. But the following will hopefully give you more insight than you'll pay for from a college English major doing an internship at Cosmo.
So here you go:
1) You are not as fat as you think you are. I know nobody wants to tell you, but study after study has shown that men don't want skinny fucking girls. So stop worrying so damn much. Focus on your health, not your weight. They're related but not the same.
2) We don't want the "hottest new sex moves" and we certainly don't want anything listed under the heading "how to please your man". It's simple: get naked, bring food. Playing video games and enjoying raunchy humor are a bonus but not necessary. And the nudity isn't just about the sex. We're visual creatures. We like to look. It doesn't have to be whorish and there's no need for a pole to be involved. After nudity and food, everything else is icing. Plus, the hottest new sex moves are some shit that gets recycled every year. Just get a book or use Wikipedia if you want some new positions. Nothing billed as new is actually new. They were not the first to discover it and you won't be the last to do it.
3) Don't act stupid. By that, I mean be intelligent. Read a book. Make a point. Use your brain. Expand your mind. Guys don't want ditsy girls. If they do, they're stupid and you should stay away. Good men are not offended by smart women, they don't feel insecure, and they don't make you feel bad for being smart.
4) We don't need you to get all tarted up. We don't need lipstick, eye liner, eye shadow, or any of that other crap. If it makes you feel good, do it. Otherwise, tell the industry to get bent. If you all quit using that shit tomorrow life would still go on, people would still find you attractive, you'd still get laid, and you could save a good portion of your paycheck.
5) You are not as old as you think you are. There is nothing wrong with getting old. It's part of life. Holding on to youth is just sad. Remember how stupid and full of drama that shit was? Why do you want to keep clinging to it?
I'm no ladies man. And my opinion is just that. But it's time to focus on quality and meaning and not just the looks. We'll love you even if you're old and wrinkly and lumpy. I mean, we love elephants, and they're not that attractive. Just because men like to look at pretty girls doesn't mean that's all we want. It's only part of the whole. And your self-esteem affects your relationships far more than a little skin imperfection or some love handles. And finally, don't let our comments get to you. We may say celebrities or the Italian at work with the high-beams are hot, but that doesn't change the fact that we still love you and find you attractive.
So here you go:
1) You are not as fat as you think you are. I know nobody wants to tell you, but study after study has shown that men don't want skinny fucking girls. So stop worrying so damn much. Focus on your health, not your weight. They're related but not the same.
2) We don't want the "hottest new sex moves" and we certainly don't want anything listed under the heading "how to please your man". It's simple: get naked, bring food. Playing video games and enjoying raunchy humor are a bonus but not necessary. And the nudity isn't just about the sex. We're visual creatures. We like to look. It doesn't have to be whorish and there's no need for a pole to be involved. After nudity and food, everything else is icing. Plus, the hottest new sex moves are some shit that gets recycled every year. Just get a book or use Wikipedia if you want some new positions. Nothing billed as new is actually new. They were not the first to discover it and you won't be the last to do it.
3) Don't act stupid. By that, I mean be intelligent. Read a book. Make a point. Use your brain. Expand your mind. Guys don't want ditsy girls. If they do, they're stupid and you should stay away. Good men are not offended by smart women, they don't feel insecure, and they don't make you feel bad for being smart.
4) We don't need you to get all tarted up. We don't need lipstick, eye liner, eye shadow, or any of that other crap. If it makes you feel good, do it. Otherwise, tell the industry to get bent. If you all quit using that shit tomorrow life would still go on, people would still find you attractive, you'd still get laid, and you could save a good portion of your paycheck.
5) You are not as old as you think you are. There is nothing wrong with getting old. It's part of life. Holding on to youth is just sad. Remember how stupid and full of drama that shit was? Why do you want to keep clinging to it?
I'm no ladies man. And my opinion is just that. But it's time to focus on quality and meaning and not just the looks. We'll love you even if you're old and wrinkly and lumpy. I mean, we love elephants, and they're not that attractive. Just because men like to look at pretty girls doesn't mean that's all we want. It's only part of the whole. And your self-esteem affects your relationships far more than a little skin imperfection or some love handles. And finally, don't let our comments get to you. We may say celebrities or the Italian at work with the high-beams are hot, but that doesn't change the fact that we still love you and find you attractive.
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