For the ladies

I'm tired of the bullshit. I stand in line at the grocery store and I'm surrounded by magazines giving women advice on men from other women. Are you kidding me? Men should be the ones giving the advice. Who knows what men want better than men? Apparently a woman whose sole source of information is her girlfriends and the club she hit up when she was 16. I know not all men are the same. But the following will hopefully give you more insight than you'll pay for from a college English major doing an internship at Cosmo.

So here you go:

1) You are not as fat as you think you are. I know nobody wants to tell you, but study after study has shown that men don't want skinny fucking girls. So stop worrying so damn much. Focus on your health, not your weight. They're related but not the same.

2) We don't want the "hottest new sex moves" and we certainly don't want anything listed under the heading "how to please your man". It's simple: get naked, bring food. Playing video games and enjoying raunchy humor are a bonus but not necessary. And the nudity isn't just about the sex. We're visual creatures. We like to look. It doesn't have to be whorish and there's no need for a pole to be involved. After nudity and food, everything else is icing. Plus, the hottest new sex moves are some shit that gets recycled every year. Just get a book or use Wikipedia if you want some new positions. Nothing billed as new is actually new. They were not the first to discover it and you won't be the last to do it.

3) Don't act stupid. By that, I mean be intelligent. Read a book. Make a point. Use your brain. Expand your mind. Guys don't want ditsy girls. If they do, they're stupid and you should stay away. Good men are not offended by smart women, they don't feel insecure, and they don't make you feel bad for being smart.

4) We don't need you to get all tarted up. We don't need lipstick, eye liner, eye shadow, or any of that other crap. If it makes you feel good, do it. Otherwise, tell the industry to get bent. If you all quit using that shit tomorrow life would still go on, people would still find you attractive, you'd still get laid, and you could save a good portion of your paycheck.

5) You are not as old as you think you are. There is nothing wrong with getting old. It's part of life. Holding on to youth is just sad. Remember how stupid and full of drama that shit was? Why do you want to keep clinging to it?

I'm no ladies man. And my opinion is just that. But it's time to focus on quality and meaning and not just the looks. We'll love you even if you're old and wrinkly and lumpy. I mean, we love elephants, and they're not that attractive. Just because men like to look at pretty girls doesn't mean that's all we want. It's only part of the whole. And your self-esteem affects your relationships far more than a little skin imperfection or some love handles. And finally, don't let our comments get to you. We may say celebrities or the Italian at work with the high-beams are hot, but that doesn't change the fact that we still love you and find you attractive.