Her Name

One of the more amusing things I see in people is their, often inexplicable, ability to do exactly the opposite of what any observer thinks they would do. This is never more clear and more confusing to watch than when it comes to matters of the heart.

I think most people have been there. That situation where you go all in- you learn everything you possibly can about someone, put in the time and effort and love that it takes to know them at a level that goes beyond physical or emotional attraction- only to see them turn away and run to someone else that won't take the time or put in the love and dedication to know them. You watch them run to someone you know will never love them or give them the support they need.

This is a rather...logical...take on an emotional issue. And emotion trumps logic any day. We don't choose who we love. And there's no accounting for taste. But it's brutally depressing to be on the receiving end. To be the person that puts in the dedication to knowing someone and being there for them and picking them up every time they stumble...only to be left for someone that doesn't love them and takes them for granted.

This song is for all of those people that have had to live through the trauma. It's about knowing a girl down to her soul and having to watch her be with someone that can barely remember her name. It's about knowing that she still cares but, for whatever reason, just runs keeps running. At the heart of it all it's about loving her enough that you can endure watching her be with someone that will never love her the way she deserves.

This is my second favorite thing I ever wrote. This one was a lot of blood and tears. It was hard. Not hard to write lyrically- that actually came pretty readily. It was more because this was an emotionally devastating ride. When things hit so close to home there are times when you want to quit because it feels like the next line or next thought will push you over the edge. But that's part of why I write...the catharsis. When it's done and you look back and you've created something that you like so much and means so much to you...it takes some of the edge off the pain. It's like a narcotic- it doesn't take the pain away but it dulls that sharp edge and lets you function enough to keep going. Anyway, I like this one a lot and I hope it means something to you too.



Her Name
(Key of C)

Pink carnations are her favorite flower
Orange blossom is her favorite smell
The way she curls her right hand in
is her poker tell

Horses are her favorite past-time
She loves dancing in the rain
She always has a beautiful smile
even when she's in pain

I know you think she's looking at you
but the light, it never touches her eyes
I know you think she cares for you
but you can feel the distance in her smile
I know all the places she goes,
I knew them long before you came.
I know all the secrets she hides,
you don't even know her name

She's fragile like a winter snowflake
that melts when it touches your skin
She's stronger than she'll ever admit
but she'll break before she'll ever bend

She loves driving for the sake of it
The movement calms her down
She loves to argue just to prove a point
and "It's Christmas Again, Charlie Brown"

I know you think she likes to look at you
but the light it never touches her eyes
I know you think she cares for you
but you can feel the distance in her smile
I know that she's thinking of me
in some dark corner of her brain
I know all the secrets she hides,
you don't even know her name

Being like her mom is her biggest fear
Being with me is next
She always had a way with words
and she could always read the subtext
I know that she's thinking of me
when she takes off her dress
and when she's done she stares at the dark
and lights her cigarette
She sees my reflection in the twisting smoke,
a mirror of her feelings,
as I evaporate from her breath
and into the ceiling.

The drama of girls makes her crazy
she makes friends with all the boys
Her smile captures hearts like an orphan
Her anger drives her to destroy

She doesn't give her heart up easily
but when she does she goes all in
She's easy to break and hard to remake
Making her cry is a sin

I know you think she's looking at you
but the light it never touches her eyes
I know you think she loves you too
but you can feel the distance in her smile
I know all the pain that she hides,
I knew her long before you came.
I know all the faces she has,
you barely even know her name

I know all the places to touch
that get the blood pounding in her veins
I know all the buttons to push
to turn her into pleasure from pain
I know all the secrets she hides
I knew them long before you came
I know where she got all her scars
Boy, you don't even know her name

A Precious Thing

A new month is here and a new song seems fitting.

When you tell people you write or enjoy writing they always want to know what you write. I assume they want to hear murder mysteries or Westerns or something of that nature. So when people ask me what type of songs I write I tell them I write love songs. They usually come from a dark place and are born out of my own insecurity and pain but, at the heart of it, they're about love, fractured as it may be.

Writing about something happy is hard for me because that's not where my inspiration comes from. But there are those rare things in life that I find important enough to tackle artistically even if they are out of my comfort zone.

My daughter will be four months old in 10 days. I wrote this for her.


A Precious Thing

I was there for your first breath
Picked you up when you bumped your head
I was there when you fell asleep and when you woke

I hope you learn that love is kind
I hope you learn that justice is blind
I hope the world doesn't teach you fear or teach you hate

I hope you run with open arms
I hope you dance even when it storms
I hope you face the things everyone else hides from

It's a precious thing
A new chance, a new beginning
An empty page, a place to write your story
It's a precious thing
A new life, a new beginning
A tiny girl, who's too good for this world
It's a precious thing

I was there for your first tear
kept you warm and soothed your fear
I was there when you cried all night and when you smiled

I hope you learn how to laugh
I hope you learn that pain will pass
I hope you learn to forgive because time goes too fast.

I hope you learn to take a chance
I hope you find a true romance
I hope you offer your heart but never lose yourself

It's a precious thing
A new chance, a new beginning
An empty page, a place to write your story
It's a precious thing
A new life, a new beginning
A perfect girl, who's too good for this world
It's a precious thing

Carry On

First post of the new year. So happy new year to everyone. Maybe this year will be better than the last. Adam Duritz for the win!

Anyway, here's my first song of the year. Fittingly, it's actually the very first song I ever wrote. Not my best work or even my favorite but it does have a certain nostalgia for me, particularly the middle two verses.


Carry On

Roll on down back to your home.
Maybe you’ll find out why you feel so alone.
It’s hard on me to see you down like this,
but maybe it’s better this way and the hurt will pass

Take a stand. Find something you believe in.
Make a friend before you wind up hating everyone
And make amends with the one you love before they’re off and gone
Where will you find the strength you need

To carry on
To carry on
To carry on
To carry on

I know you tried so hard to put it all aside
but you can’t forget the way you felt that night.
And when we said goodbye in the cold California dawn,
how was I to know we’d be so unresolved.

Stop my breath before I speak your name
and burn my lips with this unrequited flame.
I promise I’ll take the blame for making us so weak and overgrown.
Where will I find the strength I need

To carry on
To carry on
To carry on
To carry on

Speak your mind before your brain explodes.
Lay it down before it gets too heavy for you to hold
and it drags you down. Your heart is tied to your sleeve just like a stone.
Now where will you find the love you need

To carry on
To carry on
To carry on
To carry on

Hurt Me

Well, I'd say it's been an eventful time since I posted anything. Had a kid, changed jobs, and now I'm trying to finish up the last of my scientific work so that I can make a clean break. Busy as a bee. Although bees are busy dying from CCD (that's colony collapse disorder for those that don't keep up with apiarists), so maybe I would rather be busy like a woodchuck or a squirrel or a nymphomaniac.

The selection today comes from something I wrote over the course of several years. A lot of songs take only days, at least to get lyrics and a musical backbone. Others you start and then get distracted. I find that these are the hardest to finish because after so much time has passed you find yourself in a different place with a different mind set and a different take on things. Of course, some themes are so universal (or people do shit to you for so long) that you don't really forget them. In these cases, coming back can lend new insight or just let you get those few lines that were missing.

Neil Young, during an interview, said that he only wrote one song at a time because "songs are jealous." I don't think it's jealousy so much as selfishness. I tend to work on several at once, often with them feeding back and improving each other. But there are those occasional things that demand full attention or they refuse to come at all. This was one of the latter.

This is a song about letting people hurt you because you'd rather hurt than see them hurt (how many times can you use hurt in a sentence?). It's a sacrifice we all make at some point, but a lot of people (read: me) let it go too far and end up suffering for things that are completely out of their control. We also let it go on far too long, even when it's obvious that the sacrifice isn't enough to make someone else happy and never will be. So for all you people out there that ever let yourself hurt for someone else, this is for you.

Hurt Me
(Key of Gm)

Verse:
Fm Gm Fm Bb Gm
Fm Gm Fm Bb Gm
Bb C(III) Dm(V) C(III) Dm(I)
A5 Gm

Chorus:
C Dm(I) (x4)

Breakdown:
Bb C(III) Dm(V) C(III)/Dm(V)/C(III)/Dm(V) (stacatto) (x2)
Bb C(III)
Dm(V) C(III) Dm(I)
A5 Gm

I don't understand how you grew to be so mean
So unsympathetic and stepping on my dreams
When it's silence I need most that's when you want to scream
I'd do anything to ease your suffering

I know you're angry that life turned out this way
The suicide line's busy. You've been on hold for days.
And you won't walk away because you're so afraid to change
I'll be there when your smile turns to rage

So hurt me
Hurt me
Hurt me
If it makes you feel better

I don't understand how you grew to be so cold
So unlike the girl I knew when she was young
My tongue licking your wounds didn't help to ease the pain
I'll still be here when your sunshine turns to rain

I know that you know that it's wrong
I know that you can't put it down
The power fuels your hunger
And the hunger feeds your pain
I'm still here if you need someone to blame

So hurt me
Hurt me
Hurt me
if it makes you feel better

Coalesce

I've always been a fan of the concept album. I appreciate the thought, talent, and work that goes into creating a musical ensemble that creates a larger picture or message with its individual pieces. I also like that each part must be understood on its own terms before being pieced into the larger story.

Concept albums are like ogres. They have layers.

Many moons ago, I tried my hand at a concept album. It was an abject failure in the sense that I only wrote four things and then lost focus. There was one thing that came out of it that I really liked. It's a song about loneliness and the things people do when they feel lonely. It's pretty old. I started it in high school and finished it a few years later. For some reason I thought of it today while I was driving home, so I had to find it and post it.


Coalesce

She leaves the tv on
just to feel like somebody cares.
Even the empty words
are better than the empty air.

"My patience may be wearing thin"
she says to her reflection.
"I just need a break from this
monotonous seduction.
In between the spaces where
we used to talk and keep our thoughts
There only lives the aftermath
of angry words we can’t take back."

As this feeling coalesces
she slips on unconsciousness
just to make a thicker skin.
Her own is wearing pretty thin.
She twists the strings of levity into
something only she can see.
A sacrificial offering
to the gods of Mirth and Mockery.

"It’s the crumbling façade"
she says.
"I’m the last horse on the carousel
and the circus wasn’t popular,
once they released the animals."

As this feeling coalesces into something
just a little bit untamed,
she slams on the brakes and says
"I never meant to feel this way."

In Your Arms

It's been crazy the last few weeks. Baby related things, work travel, mountains of data, deciphering programs written in Russian...you know, the usual. On top of that my research position is ending in December so I'm preparing to switch to full time teaching, which involves wrapping up all my current projects and getting new ones started (it's an amazing amount of work to build a class from scratch).

In my spare time I've also been working on three new songs. Some people like to work on one thing at a time, but I find that jumping back and forth between a few different things helps when you get stuck. The song below is pretty self explanatory so I'm just going to let it ride. This is my third favorite thing I've written. Maybe not third best but definitely third favorite. Now that we have a piano in the house the music to this one may actually get finished since it's meant for piano. Enjoy.

Minor correction: This is an old song. It's my third favorite thing in my entire collection, not third favorite amongst the current crop. Just to clear up any confusion. By the time I get around to posting "new" stuff it's liable to be as old as this stuff is already.

In Your Arms

You are empty
I am full of pride
We can't back down
even though we’re so torn up inside
You're still hungry
and you just can't leave now
The show must go on
even if there is no crowd

I am the firefly in your jar
the one you shake when you want to smile
All I want to do is shine for you
or never shine again

You are glass
I'm leaving fingerprints on your surface
You are sharp
You've etched your name into my heart
I’m content
to stay by your side
or just be in the same room
It makes me feel like I'm alive

I am the caterpillar in your jar
just give me some time and I could be beautiful
I love you out from behind these walls
but it's never the same

as being in your arms
as being in your arms
as being in your arms
I just want to be in your arms tonight

Pictures of you
rolling through my head
stealing my breath
until there’s nothing left inside
but these regrets
of all the things we’ve done to ourselves

Everything inside of me
has been corrupted by the girl I need
and all the gold in the world won’t bring her back

I miss you
The beating of your heart comforts me
Favor me
Favor me with one more sterling smile
before I leave
and all of this becomes a memory

I am the caterpillar in your jar
just give me some time and I could be beautiful
I love you out from behind these walls
but it's never the same

as being in your arms
as being in your arms
as being in your arms
I just want to be in your arms tonight

Debbie

If you write about things you don't know anything about, it comes across as fake. It's painfully obvious when a 12 year old sings about love and relationships that someone else wrote the song and the kid has no idea what they're singing about. It takes away from some of the emotion because it's disingenuous. I always thought you should write or paint or sing about what you know. After all, how can you make people think, feel, or understand something that you have never experienced? There's always room for some creative liberty but the central theme, ideas, and emotions invoked have to be real or people will recognize the work as fake and will ignore it.

That being said, I knew a harridan. She was a harpy then and I doubt anything has changed in the twelve years since I last saw her or in the decade or so since I wrote this. The choruses are about Debbie (hence the title), the verses are about her daughter. The song has a very back-and-forth feel, with the regular lines being sung while the lines in parentheses are spoken. This one always makes me a little sad because it's something I watched happen. We all do things that are hurtful at some point, but it's even worse when kids get caught in the middle. They learn from watching and imitating far more than they learn from being told.


Debbie

Debbie how could you leave your daughter cold?
Never taught her to love, only taught her how to own.
Debbie why did you leave a broken home?
Now your daughter's in pain, but you just walk away.

Keeping the day at bay with her sleeping pills,
(the light bores into her skull through the curtains)
the headache’s fierce, but less so than the truth
(mommy's gone and the house is getting dark)

She fills the night with cheap reflections,
(she reaches out for something steady)
tries to read but her eyes are failing
(now she's got no one to turn to)

Debbie, when will you see how she cries?
Never taught her to love, only taught her to despise.
Debbie, who died and made you such a selfish bitch?
Life was rough, so you take it out on your kids.

She falls in love, but don't know what it means
(the happiness is interpreted as guilt)
She takes her pills with an alcoholic kick
(her dreams are plain, but at least they're something)

Everything good was burned by her own two hands
(baby girl got caught in a cruel world)
Tried to save her, but her heart is growing numb
(don't give in, or you'll end up like your mom)

Debbie, what did you do to keep her down?
Never taught her to laugh, only taught her how to drown.
Debbie, I'd give my last breath
to save your daughter's smile and to warm her breast.

Debbie, look at the damage that we've done.

Like I Do

I've spent a lot of my life people watching. Not creepy stalker watching. It's more of a fascination with the hilarious, cruel, illogical things we do. I can't stop. It must be some kind of sick voyeurism.

One common thread is that people in relationships do things that are absolutely, positively, unabashedly ridiculous. My favorite thing in this category is this: people that choose to end a relationship with someone that they know will always be there only to turn around and start a relationship (or a string of relationships) with a bunch of people that won't be there. I still don't understand and I don't think I ever will.

I know there are difficulties in any relationship, but finding someone that does, in fact, care for you unconditionally is such a rare thing. Why would you throw that away, only to turn around and give yourself to someone that doesn't care about you with any depth? It doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but people do it every day. I don't know...is it the greener grass syndrome, the fact that we're biologically predicated toward change, or some other factor that causes us to throw away people that are willing to take the time to know us and care about us for people that only appear to care? Whatever it is, we've all been there. That's the idea behind this song.

Musically, this is a little different. I don't typically compose riffs but this song is built around 3 little guitar riffs. Two of the riffs are played over the short choruses. The third is played over the final line of each verse. The first three lines of each verse are a simple D5/C5/A5 progression.


Like I Do

Nobody knows you
Nobody cares
Nobody sees you
Like I do

In the pale glass dawn
When you wake up all alone
Do you think of me?
Or do you just shrug off the cold?

I know it's been a few years
since the last time I heard your voice
but somebody mentioned your name
and it brought up all of the pain

The memory of your touch
still ripples across my skin
The heat of your eyes struck me numb
and your smile would still my tongue

Nobody feels you
Nobody cares
Nobody hurts you
Like I do

[Instrumental]

Nobody holds you
Nobody cares
Nobody trusts you
Like I do

On the long ride home,
the last time that we ever spoke
I swore you would fade with time
like a ghost into the fog

Truth is I couldn't forget you
so instead I swallowed the shame
And just kept on pretending
That everything was ok

I knew you were searching
for something that you didn't see
I would be there to catch you
When you finally found it was me

But you reached a different conclusion
and wound up being alone
Now do you see me as you turn out the lights
and the nights get longer and cold?

Nobody knows you
Nobody cares
Nobody loves you
Like I do

D Pedal

This is my latest creation and I wanted to talk about the composition and process for a bit since they were both complex. I've been writing lyrics since I was in high school and (somewhat) writing music since college. While the lyrics range from the very simple to the very complex, the music tends to be extraordinarily simple. I don't compose melodies. The lyrics are the melody. That's where I always put the focus because I'm a lyrically driven song writer and listener. If I don't like the lyrics it makes it much harder for me to like the song. And good lyrics will often overcome bad music for me. My chords are there to set the mood, keep the rhythm, and make things more interesting. That's why almost everything I put chords to contains only simple rhythm chords. If I'm not feeling lyrically inclined, I will just fiddle with chords for hours until I hit on a chord or combination that evokes a few lines. Once those lines are in place, the rest tends to follow (eventually).

That's how this song evolved- I had the first four chords and, after playing them for awhile, I got the first two lines. It then sat dormant for several years. About a month ago I was fiddling around with it again, just playing it over and over and then the next two lines came. After that, it went pretty fast, writing itself in less than a week. One of those fortuitous happenstances I guess, where the chords and the first few lines reminded me of something current that I could use to keep going. I find that happens a lot- something I started years ago but never finished becomes the basis for something today or music I've had laying around for a decade finally gets lyrics worth keeping. Just goes to show- never throw out your creative work.

It's often very difficult to move from verse to chorus to verse. You want to maintain the idea but change up the rhythm, sound, or style. You also want to find a set of chords that play nicely but differently and, eventually, loop back to where you started with a natural sound. This is possibly the most musically complex song I've done, so I thought I'd post a bit about it as well.

The song uses a neat musical trick called a pedal (hence the post title). The trick involves using different chords but all of those chords share a note. In this case, you'll notice most of the chords have a D title. The key of D contains a single sharp (F#) and every chord in the progression I've used is rooted on the D an octave above middle C (for those of you that know your music notation). When you play it on guitar, your ring finger never leaves D on the 2nd string. The pedal helps tie the song together, giving you a constant reference point and a musical focus.

As for the lyrics- the song is quite simply about people that build their own walls and then refuse to ask for help to tear them down. The first part is about wanting something so bad you hold on for dear life, the second part is about not being willing to compromise even to get what you want, and the last part is a split- it's part realizing what you are doing and part having someone else realize you are still locking them out even when they're willing to help.

Note: I've written a ton of stuff (and easily thrown out triple that while editing). This is one of my favorites- definitely top ten and possibly even top five.

Saved

Verses: D5 Dsus2
Gsus2 G/B
Csus2 Cadd9 D
Chorus: D5/F Cadd9 Dsus4/G D/F#
D5/F Dsus4/G D/F#
D5/F Cadd9
D5/F Cadd9
D5/F Dsus4/G D/F#


She’s the first to know
but the last to go
even though it’s hopeless

She’ll fight on ‘til the end
just to say she did
even when she can’t win

The boys that she finds
become the men she’ll despise
when her heart comes back to Earth

She’s just a girl in his mind
She wants to be a woman in his eyes
even with the price her self-worth

No one knows where she goes
when she wants to cry
She brings it on herself
a damsel in distress
She won’t let herself be saved

She clings to her pride
like a blushing bride
It’s a place to hide

But it doesn’t keep her warm
or protect her from the storm
that soaks her to the bone

The pieces of her life
float by in black and white
She never could see the gray

The middle ground she needs
was flooded too deep
She hates appearing weak

No one knows where she goes
when she needs to cry
She brings it on herself
this damsel in distress
who won’t let herself be saved

She holds on way too long
Long after he is gone
Long after he’s moved on

She tries so hard to fix
mistakes that were his
She can’t let done be done

It’s these faults I adore
down to her neurotic core
They keep me at her door

But she’ll never let me in
any deeper than her skin
It’s too hard to begin again

No one know where she goes
when she wants to cry
She brings it on herself
She's just a damsel in distress
Who won’t let herself be saved

No one knows where she goes
or why she hurts herself
She cannot escape
the walls that she creates
but she won’t let herself be saved
No, she won’t let herself be saved

I like mine better than Death Cab's

I wasn't expecting the onslaught of album reviews from Adam, but I suggest you read them because they are entertaining and he spends more time listening to music in one day than most people do in a week. Also, I would suggest listening to any albums he recommends because they're usually worth becoming intimate friends with. Without his recommendations I would never have found the awesomeness that is Jenny Lewis.

For myself, I'm picking a different type of song to post than my previous few. For some reason, over the course of my life, I've attracted more than my share of people that are broken. We all have moments when we need someone. But some of us are just inclined to savage bouts of emotional self-torture (myself included). I must have a "Troubled People Need Apply" sign on me that I am unaware of, because they always seem to find me. I'm the ghost whisperer of emotionally troubled people, but without the huge rack and huge paycheck.

To me these people are projects, a chance to fix in them what I can't seem to fix in myself, and for whatever reason I just can't say no. I'm not sure whether it's because I like that they depend on me or the power I have over them or the rush of knowing that someone in the depths of misery now has a chance to keep going forward. No matter the reason for me putting them back together, it's devastating to watch them slide right back into those patterns that created the problem. That happens far too often. Sometimes I think it's because people need misery but mostly I think it's because we're creatures of habit more than we are creatures of common sense. Whatever the reason, the fact remains that empathy, sympathy, and my own time, energy, and tears are no guarantee that putting someone back together emotionally and psychologically will make them any stronger than they were before they came into my life. That's really the story this song tells- watching someone self-destruct, doing all you can to be there for them, and still not having the power to stop it. It's not about futility or fatalism- it's about being utterly helpless but pushing on anyway.

Some years ago my home town had a pretty serious fire, to the point where a large portion of the town was surrounded by 15 foot walls of flame. While watching it all happen, it became more than just a fire. It became an analogy and a metaphor for those emotionally and psychologically fragile people that I couldn't help. It became a setting; an external, physical backdrop for the internal, emotional turmoil.

(Sorry Death Cab- as much as I love everything you do, I like my fire song better. It's a bit biased, but there you have it.)


Ashes fall

Every time she walks into the room with that bottle in her hand
I know it’s going to be a long, long night
Her brain is full of whiskey and her heart is full of gin
and her body’s telling me to get the lights
She hits the bed like fire then her body turns to ice
She falls asleep in nothing but her bra
I’m standing in the doorway that leads into the room
hoping that she’ll get well soon

My town is burning down tonight
There’s nothing I can do but sit and watch
The ashes fall like rain outside my window pane
as she takes another drink like it would help put out the flames

She leaves the house in style with a slit up past her thigh
She stands out on the corner so that all the boys can see
Her tongue it burns like lightning as she screams into the sky
Calling for another round to help forget her life
She’s jaded and she’s used, she’s jagged and abused
Her skin is smooth but her soul is badly bruised
To her I’m just the place she’ll turn when anger’s run its course
I’m the one that will forgive her, even though it hurts

My town is burning down tonight
There’s nothing I can do but sit and watch
The ashes on the breeze find me on my knees
praying that she’ll find a way to conquer this disease

My town is burning down tonight
There’s nothing I can do to quench the flames
While the ashes fall like snow through the orange and hellish glow
I cradle her against the heat as she cries herself to sleep