Welcome back you lazy bum

I'm back. After a fun-filled move to a new state, new apartment, and new job, I'm back on the case. Just a few notes for now. We'll save the heavy stuff for tomorrow's post.

First up, I invite everyone to peruse my newest blog. It's a project put together by my brother with contributions from myself and other young (if I'm still allowed to call myself that. I am almost 30. Almost time for this Brandon to run. And if you get that joke you're awesome) people interested in the upcoming asininity and rhetorical whirlwind that is an election year. For god's sake, people have been guessing who would win and what would happen since the beginning of last year. With very poor results I might add. We'll discuss candidates, election issues, and point out the stupidity and double standards that the network news won't discuss. So stop by and leave your thoughts. We want to see comments and discussion.

Second, why is it so difficult to prove that I live in Washington? The DMV (or DOL - department of licensing) wants proof that I live here before issuing me a license. Fine. But they WON'T accept my apartment lease. How fucked up is that? They'll take mortgage documents. They'll take a concealed weapons permit. They'll take my name in a phone book. For shits and giggles, they'll even accept a residential service hook-up order. Not even a bill...just the hook-up ORDER will suffice. This place is fucking stupid sometimes. I guess I know where the state priorities are since it's easier to get a permit to carry a gun than to prove that I have a Washington address.

Tomorrow we'll discuss rap and hip-hop. I've been listening to a lot of Lil' Wayne lately and had some thoughts that must needs be shared. Good night America!

Hiatus

Packing up the truck tomorrow and heading out Sunday. Gonna miss the Pat-Giant game. Lame. Super lame. I'll get back to updating the blog, making fun of ridiculous shit, and generally ranting about the state of the world when I get set up in Washington. Keep your noses clean.

You offend me....you know who you are

This Christmas season, we've got more of the usual bullshit going down. Apparently we still can't refer to it as Christmas. And if you refer to Chanukah, you get the shit beat out of you by a bunch of ignorant bastards. This year we have a winner of the 'dumb shit someone thought would be a good idea at Christmas' award. I guess Santa can no longer say 'Ho Ho Ho', as it's offensive to people with vaginas. If you believe this then you are no longer allowed to refer to stupid people as 'boobs', you cannot refer to cats as 'pussy cats', you can't be in the navy and lift an anchor since they chant 'heave ho', and you can't 'hoe' your garden. A big fuck you to all those people that decided to be even bigger dicks this year and started fucking with Santa. I hope your Christmas trees all burn down.

And don't think I've forgotten the hardcore Christmas crowd, most notably christians palpably ignorant of the history of their own institutions. You guys win the "most holidays stolen from other cultures and transmuted to conform to our view" award. For starters, Christmas is not originally celebratory of Jesus, since the general gift giving and celebration routine during the winter was done for centuries. For the Romans, this period was a week long festival that consisted of men giving other men gifts and having gay orgies at the bath house. "Christmas" (the word) didn't even exist until the 11th century, a full millennium after the death of Jesus. It was originally a celebration of the winter months that gave thanks for the year and the cessation of agricultural work. The Christians simply rode in and set up their own winter festival to entice the 'pagans' away from their festivals. So stop pretending Christmas is all about Jesus. If you don't know the history of your own creation, then you don't truly know what Christmas is all about.

In fact, let's be honest and call it 'Profitmas' since the key components for the past 300 years have moved further from the religious aspects and more toward the economic and gift aspects. If you celebrate Jesus's b-day, then good for you. I've got no problem with that (assuming that you know Dec. 25 was not, in fact, his real birthday). But I think your celebration should involve doing Christian things - donating time to a soup kitchen or to help the less fortunate, enjoying a meal with family, and actively engaging yourself in making the world a better place with your time and money (not by converting people). If instead you go to one church service and then revel in the secular gift giving and economically driven portion of the holiday, you are not actively engaged in the religious aspect and shouldn't act like you are. It's supremely hypocritical to say you are celebrating Jesus while being involved in a lot of spurious spending and conspicuous consumption that he would not approve of. I may not be a god-fearing church goer, but I know enough about the bible to know that most church-goers aren't really understanding what they are reading. You can interpret it however you want, but at the end of the day it's a book about just being a good human being.

Like a straight guy in a figure skating competition

I just went to a dork fest in San Francisco. Every year, 15,000 scientists descend on San Fran to discuss the latest and greatest in Earth science. Every year I have to sit through 50,000 discussions on why global warming is important and how scientists are failing to relay that importance to the public. And nothing gets done so that next year they have something to talk about. So this year instead of hanging out with people who can't even stop discussing science over dinner, I thought I'd look around the city. It's decent enough. To me, it's mostly just another place with too many people, too much money for some of them, and too little for others. Plus, downtown smells like a damn sewer. They might want to work on that. Aside from the smell and the more aggressive homeless, it's not bad for a city. Definitely better than LA.

I saw a bonafide, genuine, right out of The Boondocks pimp. Slick pimp suit and everything. Frickin' awesome. That same night, I saw two kids lightin' up their crack pipes on the steps of the judicial building. Also awesome. One block up from my hotel, the erotic cake store. One block down, the leather bondage store. Directly across the street, the gay bar Stud. I love walking down the street and seeing people just doing what they do...smoking crack, eating erotic cake, and then tying themselves to a stove while their current beau beats them with leather crops and plastic penises. Makes you glad there's a place where you can get all of those things without having to get in your car.

Don't stay at the Best Western Civic Motor Inn. The amenities were there, the breakfast wasn't half bad, and the beds were comfortable. But there was a razor blade hidden in my clock. In my clock! At 2:30 AM, some crazy dude decided to inform the hotel guests that we should leave because this was his neighborhood and he didn't like us. That went on for 20 minutes while the "security" didn't do shit. On top of that, the walls are paper thin and apparently the people next door felt the need to very loudly discuss their current drug situation. Don't get me wrong. I'm all for people using drugs recreationally. But 3:45 in the morning is not the time. And if you're gonna do it, make sure you have enough to last you until morning.

For the ladies

I'm tired of the bullshit. I stand in line at the grocery store and I'm surrounded by magazines giving women advice on men from other women. Are you kidding me? Men should be the ones giving the advice. Who knows what men want better than men? Apparently a woman whose sole source of information is her girlfriends and the club she hit up when she was 16. I know not all men are the same. But the following will hopefully give you more insight than you'll pay for from a college English major doing an internship at Cosmo.

So here you go:

1) You are not as fat as you think you are. I know nobody wants to tell you, but study after study has shown that men don't want skinny fucking girls. So stop worrying so damn much. Focus on your health, not your weight. They're related but not the same.

2) We don't want the "hottest new sex moves" and we certainly don't want anything listed under the heading "how to please your man". It's simple: get naked, bring food. Playing video games and enjoying raunchy humor are a bonus but not necessary. And the nudity isn't just about the sex. We're visual creatures. We like to look. It doesn't have to be whorish and there's no need for a pole to be involved. After nudity and food, everything else is icing. Plus, the hottest new sex moves are some shit that gets recycled every year. Just get a book or use Wikipedia if you want some new positions. Nothing billed as new is actually new. They were not the first to discover it and you won't be the last to do it.

3) Don't act stupid. By that, I mean be intelligent. Read a book. Make a point. Use your brain. Expand your mind. Guys don't want ditsy girls. If they do, they're stupid and you should stay away. Good men are not offended by smart women, they don't feel insecure, and they don't make you feel bad for being smart.

4) We don't need you to get all tarted up. We don't need lipstick, eye liner, eye shadow, or any of that other crap. If it makes you feel good, do it. Otherwise, tell the industry to get bent. If you all quit using that shit tomorrow life would still go on, people would still find you attractive, you'd still get laid, and you could save a good portion of your paycheck.

5) You are not as old as you think you are. There is nothing wrong with getting old. It's part of life. Holding on to youth is just sad. Remember how stupid and full of drama that shit was? Why do you want to keep clinging to it?

I'm no ladies man. And my opinion is just that. But it's time to focus on quality and meaning and not just the looks. We'll love you even if you're old and wrinkly and lumpy. I mean, we love elephants, and they're not that attractive. Just because men like to look at pretty girls doesn't mean that's all we want. It's only part of the whole. And your self-esteem affects your relationships far more than a little skin imperfection or some love handles. And finally, don't let our comments get to you. We may say celebrities or the Italian at work with the high-beams are hot, but that doesn't change the fact that we still love you and find you attractive.

I can officially philosophise

If finished my dissertation defense today. With a few minor revisions and a hefty amount of paperwork, I will turn in the final written version Thursday and be done with grad school. So I guess I am officially allowed to be a science geek. I still don't understand what it's a doctor of philosophy. I didn't philosophise anything and I'm certainly not a doctor. I don't operate on people or prescribe medication or make people sit in a sterile room for three hours when they showed up early for their appointment.

A few more weeks of hard work and I'll get two weeks off before starting my new job. Hopefully that also means I'll have a few minutes a day to keep this sucker updated.

A big shout out to everyone that came to defense and everyone that put up with my crazy science crap.

An open letter

to the asshole that starts his car in the parking lot and then stands behind it smoking a cigarette 3-4 times a day:

What is this, 1960? You don't have to idle your car to warm it up. You haven't had to do that for at least a decade. Unless you live in the far north. Then I'll give it to you. But you live in southern California retard. It's not even required during winter here.

All you're doing is wasting a useful resource. In a day, you're burning at least a buck worth of gas going nowhere. That's $7 a week, $30-31 a month (but you save a few bucks in February), $365 a year. You could have bought an extra 8 tanks (assuming $45 a tank) or paid somebody to take the stupid-ass spoiler off your trunk lid. Instead, you've decided to add it to our atmosphere. Thanks douche bag.

What the fuck? You've got a $40,000 car and you live in a shit hole apartment complex by the freeway. You can't afford an air conditioner that doesn't require 10-15 minutes of warm-up time? You waste expensive, non-renewable resources because you have an outdated concept of how to start a car or because you need your car to be the perfect temperature. Hey numb-nuts. Guess what. It might get to the right temperature if you didn't leave the fucking door open while idling.

Thank you, asshole who warms up his car and cools down his leather seats. It's comforting to know that every afternoon when I come home you'll be there to remind me how consumerism leads to wastefulness. And I'll be reminded to do better on conserving resources in my own life so that you'll always have gas to burn while you have your nicotine break.

I have nothing against smoking, particularly outside near the freeway where the air is already about as unhealthy as you can get, but I hope you get throat cancer.

Sincerely,
the guy who has to taste your car every time he wants to go outside

Sacajawea - little know it all that won't shut her maize hole

Turned in my dissertation to the committee today. I think that deserves a gallon of ice cream and some sweet mermaid sex.

I was having a debate today about parenthood. Apparently, I'm appallingly awful on the question of "family values". So here is my argument:

America, particularly the governmental, media, and religious aspects, love to discuss how the breakdown of families is happening at an alarming rate and what we can do to stop it. I'm referring specifically to parents raising children and spending time with them. I guess that is the great goal of man - get married, pump out a few babies, then die before you become a drain on social services. Why is this the almighty American dream? Because some douche bag with a big pointy hat said so.

Back to the point. We don't really believe in child rearing. The economic and social system in this country is not structured to nurture parental care of children. A family of four cannot easily survive on one paycheck, especially for lower income families. So both parents have to work. Next, corporate life is not arranged around time for baseball games, school plays, and homework. It's about maximizing employee work with the lowest expenses. Time off for family doesn't jive well with that. On top of all that, some psychologist with a degree from Internet Tech decided that only a child's parents should be responsible for that child. Children and families are not viewed as a responsibility or an asset of society. So parents have no helpful social support network. Sure, grandparents help out and siblings help out. But that's not the same as having a social system geared toward children. It's just extending the idea that families have to make it on their own. I can't think of anyone that would be comfortable with their child being punished by a neighbor for doing something unacceptable. You know, lighting cats on fire or masturbating in public. Kid things.

But history has shown us that families generally don't raise kids on their own. It's a recent phenomenon. We no longer send kids to boarding school. We trust our televisions but not our neighbors to teach kids. We don't give them meaningful work that adds to the family or community. Instead, we tell them they're too young to do things, we coddle them from reality, and we teach them to distrust everyone. Then they go all Menendez.

The crux of the matter is this: America professes to believe in child rearing but we don't respect parents or families. We scoff at people who would rather spend time with their family than earn money. We disrespect the women and men that work so hard to balance their expected family roles with full time jobs. We look down on women that work hard to provide their family with money and on men that would like to be fathers.

Anybody that believes the current economic and social system is family friendly and people "just aren't trying hard enough" can walk in front of a bus. If we want people to be more involved with their families (and by extension communities) we really need to rethink our priorities. Personally, I'd rather be with my family than some fat slob at the office who wants to discuss the latest world shattering development on American Idol.

And for the last time, those weren't mermaids, they were salmon!

If it walks, talks, and acts like a crook....

Welcome again to my pretentious section of cyberspace. I'm now officially 27. According to my wife I'm old. According to me I'm awesome. Maybe we should take a vote. We are a republic after all.

I want everyone to go out and read a book called The Final Days. It's a thick, poorly written, badly time-shifting, confusing, but incredibly detailed tome by Woodward and Bernstein (if you don't know who they are, I invite you to look them up) about the last months of the Nixon administration.

The reason I want you to read it is this: the incredible parallels between the Nixon government and every administration since (and many before). The amount of illegal, questionably legal, and down-right unethical actions that are accepted as standard practice in government is truly incredible and appalling. The fact that domestic wire-tapping and spying has been going on for more than 60 years has apparently been forgotten in the current debacle. Apparently, if it's kept secret, the public doesn't care. Once it's out in the open, we complain a little and then go back to accepting it. It's incredible to me that a man who obviously had great respect (I use that term liberally) for the executive office could be such a terrible representative of it.

To me, it's more than the fact that the commander-in-chief does illegal things. It's that they lie about their actions. They cover them up. Then they blame others. Or worse, they lump their actions under the catch-all term "national security". Please people...I'm begging you. Please realize that this term is utter bullshit. Should you keep your military strength and position secret? Sure. Should you be selective about what allies you share intelligence with? Yes. But for actions that are patently unconstitutional and unethical, whether domestic or foreign, national security is NEVER an acceptable excuse. And that's all it is. An excuse. National security has come to mean "in the interest of the government" not the national interest. You cannot live in a democratic republic (sorry folks...stop using the word democracy since that's not what we live in) if the government is keeping secrets directly related to keeping it in power. That's nothing better than glorified despotism.

Anyway, I recommend the book. It's a fantastic look into how far removed the government is from what its supposed to be according to our own rules for government. It's an incredible view into the minds of federal lawyers who justify illegal actions by claiming "executive privilege". It makes you wonder how much we don't know. And how much of that knowledge could be used to make this country and world a better place.

I end with this. Some powers have been handed to the federal government. The states and, by implication, the people of those states, have given the government authority over money, military, foreign, and some domestic policies. That's the whole point- to have a central body that handles things so each individual state doesn't have to. But all of those things were designed with oversight, including congressional, judicial, and civilian. The most important is civilian, since we entrusted these people to represent us. I think it's obvious we can't rely on congressional or judicial oversight, since those branches are just as bad as the executive (witness the court rulings about the 2000 election, rulings on the patriot act, the lack of congressional oversight of the war, and Congress' own poor record of ethical behavior). We the public have not been doing a very good job. It's time we stepped up our policing of the government. If they truly work for us, then they have to answer to us. It's idealism in the extreme, but you have to ask for the galaxy just to get a star.

What's with all the golf?

Hi all. It's been more than a week with no update. I've been busy dealing with my dissertation, my new job, my old job, and the blow job (not in a good way) that is Microsoft. My XBOX 360 died AGAIN. Error message: "hardware failure". Microsoft, you can eat a dick. I'm tired of the bull crap. You know there's a problem with your hardware. Fix it. I've already decided that once I get set up in WA, I'm moving to Linux and dropping Windows. Hopefully I can still use my science programs. If not, I'll install a Windows emulator. If this crap continues with the XBOX, I'm forcing them to give me a refund and I'll move on to the Wii, which had hardware problems but Nintendo fessed up and fixed them. I'm done with M$.

Now to more important things than my operating system. I was in class today and we were discussing the impacts of a warming atmosphere on the hydrologic cycle (that's water cycle for those less scientifically inclined). And I thought, what the fuck is wrong with people? The eleventy billion people living in southern CA live in a desert. Not a true desert, but close enough to not split hairs. Why are they always surprised when water runs short and shit burns down? I've concluded that humans are retarded. Just because we have the ABILITY to reshape an area and make it habitable for millions of people doesn't mean we SHOULD. Only humans could be so arrogant and ignorant as to waltz into an area with limited water supplies and lay down acre upon acre of golf courses, water parks, manicured lawns, and swimming pools. Whoever came up with that plan should be horse whipped.

We've moved whole rivers. Los Angeles has stolen (that's right, STOLEN) water from the Owen's Valley, the Colorado, and northern CA. And we still demand more. Meanwhile, we're dumping the worst quality water you can imagine, salty water even a shark wouldn't piss in, onto some of the most fertile soil in Mexico. That water was clean and productive until we got hold of it. Now it's just another by product of progress and agribusiness. Of course, water everywhere is being ruined. But it's just the worst stupidity to do it in an area that already has little water to begin with.

Oh...and congratulations to Rafael. I found out at 6:30 PM yesterday that he died. And at 10:15 PM I learned that he wasn't dead. So good for him. Any day you don't die is a good day.